Yesterday I returned home for the Easter holidays. Last night I had a celebratory welcome home dinner with my Parents. This afternoon my Sister returned home and so we had a belated birthday meal to celebrate my mum’s birthday. Tomorrow I am going for an Easter Lunch at my Grandparents house.
It got me thinking about how much my family uses food to celebrate and how much we all enjoy it. Whenever there is a special occasion or something to celebrate, it is celebrated around the dinner table. Every time it is someone’s birthday, we have a special meal. For my graduation meal, the restaurant was the first thing to be booked. Every year when we get exam results, we go out for lunch.
I also realised that for my whole life my family have always had dinner time as a family around the table. It was a way to catch up and share stories about our day. Even if Dad was late on the way home from work, we would wait until he got in before we started eating. I even remeber the times when my sister and I would try to drag out meal times by making my parents play games… Who Want’s To Be The Weakest Link was often a favorite! Tonight my sister even managed to get us all playing a game of Guess Who! In sum, dinner time was a happy, family time.
When Ed came into my life, meal times were no longer fun. I no longer looked forward to mum calling us down for dinner. I dreaded it. I couldn’t just run down the stairs when dinner was ready, I would wait anxiously in the kitchen to make sure my mum weighed out the exact, precise amount. There wouldn’t be laughter or smiles. Instead, everyone would sit anxiously in the hope that I would finish my meal. I can’t even remember what we would talk about as the only thing I would listen to was Ed’s screaming, torturing words in my head.
Sitting at the table with my family this evening made me realise how much more enjoyable my life can be without Ed. Being able to engage, laugh, talk, chat and eat a meal in peace is refreshing. This evening as I was baking a cake for my mum (it was the best cake I have ever made), my sister came over and gave me a hug. She said how nice it was to have me home. It was lovely to hear her say that because this time last year, it wasn’t nice having me home. I wasn’t a good sister or a fun person to be around. Instead of catching up on stories we would cry about the pain we were going through and desperately try and make things better. I am grateful that so far this time round, there has been no tears, apart from my mum crying because she loved her birthday gift (My family are right softies).
I hope that as I continue to fight my eating disorder every day, I can continue to enjoy meal times with my family.
ps. I was so proud of the homemade caramel sauce I made to go with my Banana bread that I had to upload a picture!