A Change Of Plan

I haven’t posted in a while and I’m not sure where to start. The past two weeks have been extremely difficult, and last week was probably the worst week of this year.

As I have said before, D is my best friend. We lived in Paris together, we worked together, we live together at university and we are on the same course. For the past two years I have seen D nearly every day and we have been through a lot together. He was there through every step of my recovery, has seen the good days and the bad days, and never stopped helping me fight Ed. Now I am in a better place our lives don’t revolve so much around Ed. We hang out together, work together, laugh together… He is my best friend.

In less than two months I will have finished university. 4 years of uni education done. To say I am terrified would be an understatement. I love having a plan and for the past 17 years I have had a plan in place. School, senior school, sixth form, university… it was all figured out. I have known I have wanted to study Business Management and French since I was about 13. I had always imaged that I would graduate with a good degree and start a top job in the city somewhere. However, things don’t always go to plan.

I did some job applications, reached the final stage and didn’t get the job. I was devastated. It felt like everything I had been working towards was for nothing. However, things worked themselves out. My friend D was taking a year out to apply for jobs the following year and was going to go travelling for 6 months. My parents always tell me that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and it seemed as though they were right. Being declined from the jobs meant I would travel for six months around the world with my best friend… I was so happy. So excited. We had started planning and talking about it and I couldn’t wait.

However, again… things don’t always go to plan. A job offer has come up in Paris and D is going to take it. It means he won’t be travelling and it means he will be leaving very soon after exams. As for me, I now have no plan. It feels like I have been left alone with an empty year ahead of me. Never in a million years had I ever imagined the end of Uni to look like this.

However, the thing that has been the hardest through all these changes is the thought that D will be leaving. I feel like I am loosing my best friend and I am not ready to face the world by myself. I knew that there would come a time when our paths would go separate ways but I was never ready for it to be in eight weeks time. For the past two years I haven’t made a plan without D in it, and so I am not sure where to begin.

When I found out that D wouldn’t be here after university I cried myself to sleep for a week. I am terrified about having no plan and the the thoughts in my head started becoming a little insane. For a split second I considered turning back to my eating disorder, making myself really ill again and spending time back in the clinic. These thoughts were quickly rejected but I tried to figure out why I was having them in the first place. I think it is because, in a weird kind of way, the clinic is like a safe haven. I get cared for and looked after there. There is routine, a plan, a goal. But I know these thoughts are crazy and I don’t ever want to waste more days of my life away in a hospital.

D moving away has made me realise that I need to be able to support myself. Since I got really ill a couple of years ago, my support has been external. Through everything I have had D and my parents. I had a therapist and a nutritionist in Paris. I was in a clinic in the UK. I now have a therapist in Bath. However, the truth is, these people won’t always be here to support me. Plans change. People move. And the only person I con truly rely on 100% of the time is me. I am not saying that I can’t rely on other people at times, but ultimately, the only person who is always there for you is yourself.

I feel as though this year is going to be a challenge, but a challenge that needs facing. I need to learn to spend time with myself. Learn to love myself and take care of myself. I also feel like I need to grow up. Last year I celebrated my 21st Birthday and the week after I was admitted into an ED clinic. At a time in my life when I should have been celebrating adulthood, I was having to be tought how to eat. I was being taught how to eat toast, milk, dessert and chips…. The things you learn at the age of about 2. I needed a team of people to take care of me because I couldn’t look after myself. The relationship with my parents became extremely Adult-Child. Although I was the eldest sister and 21 years old, I was the baby of the family. The one demanding all the attention and care of her parents. I need to start behaving and being treated like an adult.

So all in all, I never imagined the end of university to look like this. I am not excited, but scared. I am not happy, but sad to be leaving D. But I am prepared to face up to the challenge. This next year is going to be a year for me. I am going to learn to connect with myself and get to know myself. I am going to try and enjoy the lack of structure and no plans and enjoy a year off to do whatever the hell I want. I am going to see the world, meet new friends and see new things. I am going to try and learn to be happy without D and learn to support myself.

 

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2 thoughts on “A Change Of Plan

  1. Well JB that was quite a post and you had me worried there for a minute. Life is full of challenges and I am glad that you are getting ready to face up to them.
    With your last sentiments in mind perhaps you may consider changing your # to simply “Juniper” as a first step.
    Keep positive and you have always got your friends and family to support you when needed xxx

  2. It is a scary thing to begin a new chapter of your life and especially when it doesn’t look like you thought it would but I think you will rise to the challenge beautifully. It’s ok to not have a plan because it allows you to be open to experience so many things you may have never considered before. It will be hard but has the potential to be wonderful too xx

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