A comfort, an anaesthetic and a crutch

Today I heard someone describe their eating disorder as their ‘comfort their anaesthetic and their crutch. In recovery you have to learn how to deal with life without that crutch. In the past I could always cope with the difficult times by finding comfort in my eating disorder.

Now I’m learning that life is better hobbling around and tripping up a few times than walking in a supposedly straight line with my anorexic crutch. Although I have to face difficult times I am getting to experience feelings I have never felt before. Before if I was stressed I’d restrict my food, if I felt sad, I’d restrict my food and if j was angry, big surprise, I’d restrict my food. As a result, I stopped feeling real anger, sadness and frustration. But as well as numbingly the difficult emotions, anorexia also had the power to numb my happiness, peace and serenity. So although I am now having to feel real sadness I also get to deal real happiness.

Now I’m learning that anorexia was never a crutch that kept me up, it was a cage that locked me away. A cage that shut out all real feelings and emotions.

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