Today I had my weigh in and I had the biggest weekly gain I’ve ever had. Thankfully I had an appointment with my therapist straight after so I talked it all through.

I explained how it is so much easier to cope with weight loss rather than gain. No surprise there. When I put on weight Ed is deafening loud. This morning he was shouting his head off and it freaked me out. But what I am trying to do today is challenge that voice and give myself a voice too to try and fight him. However, the best way I can fight and win today is by completing all of my food plan.

Today my therapist reminded me that I need to be consistent in my battle against Ed. If I restrict today because of the weight gain, I am handing over power to Ed.

I also spoke to my mum who said that I need to remember that as long as I stay with Ed, I will need to compromise what I do in life. I explained to my therapist how I didn’t think this was true. I said that for years and years I’ve controlled my food and so it’s just a way of life now, I’ve never known different. Sure, when things got really bad it stopped me doing things but now I go out for dinner, go clubbing, drinks with friends etc. I said that I’m not having to make huge compromises. However, what I wasn’t really realising was that unlike my friends I can’t always truly enjoy meals out or enjoy drinking in the same way. Im still not able to choose what I always want, or go out without feeling like I need to punish myself the next day. So, although I may be still doing these things, I am questioning whether I enjoy them.

I’ve had enough of Ed telling me I can’t enjoy themselves. All my friends get to enjoy it, thousands of students at uni can go out (even get chips on the way home) and not punish themselves the day after. So why don’t i deserve the same happiness?

So this week I am not going to solely look at recovery as a number on the scales, but look at recovery as a life of freedom, a life of enjoyment and a life of pleasure. The weight gain is just a step to get there, not the end in itself. And if I need to complete my food plan every day in order to enjoy life more, I think it’s worth it.

2 thoughts on “Enjoy!

  1. Hello! Yours and your dads blog are amazing, I really value your strength and commitment to fight against your ED. I have an ED myself and currently struggling with it a lot. I see your father tags his post with Maudsley. Is that the hospital that you go to? Because I may be getting referred there in the next few weeks for my eating disorder. Unsure whether its inpatient or outpatient. Don’t worry if I have got this wrong! Just thought I’d ask what it is like! I hope your recovery is positive and you have all the support you need to get through! x

    • Thank you for your comment and support. I have never been an inpatient but I did spend 3 months in a clinic as an outpatient 2 days a week. I know it is a scary thought, but it was the best thing I have ever done. I met some amazing people who are now some of my great friends and the help and support made me so much stronger in my fight. Keep strong and remember that you are the only one who can beat ed but you’re not expected to fight alone. Going to a clinic will give you a huge army to help you in your fight. Good luck xx

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