So today hasn’t gone exactly to plan. I knew it would be a tricky following my night out but it has been an unkind reminder of what life with Ed is like. After a couple of days of freedom it has come as quite an ugly shock.
I managed breakfast, a bit shaky but I got through it. Then came morning snack. No biggie, we’re talking one biscuit and a coffee. I couldn’t do it. The thought of eating one tiny biscuit just freaked me out and the idea of eating it repulsed me. But it was ONNEEEEEE biscuit. When I think rationally about the turmoil that Ed puts me through for the tiniest of things it really is quite remarkable. It wasn’t like I was having to go to McDonald’s and eat a Big Mac, all I had to do was eat one biscuit. I am still shocked at how ridiculous this illness gets at times and how one stupid tiny incy wincy biscuit can ruin a whole day.
As a result of not eating it I had been sat at my desk all day with Ed rattling around in my head when all I want to do is write my french oral exam. I haven’t been much fun to be around and haven’t been able to properly speak to my friends because Ed wants me all to himself. I am also feeling really low and a bit homesick and all this has been triggered by one stupid biscuit… or lack of one biscuit. I still find it ridiculous that I am even writing a blog post about one biscuit.
But this blog is meant to be positive and all about recovery and so here comes the good bit. By writing this down on here I am making a commitment to myself and everyone reading it to make up for it and eat the extra biscuit as part of my afternoon snack. The thought of it is quite scary and so I figured that if I have in writing that I am going to do it, it might give me a little more power in today’s battle.