I’m back at uni after 5 days at home and feeling really content.
Going home really made me look back at my journey in recovery and see the progress I have made. When Ed had me in his grasp, going home involved endless conversations about food plans, exercise, my weight and my therapy. I used to think it was my family who would always talk about it, but to be honest, i was so consumed by my eating disorder that it was the only thing I could really talk about. I wasn’t thinking of anything else. As a result, going home also involved a lot of tears, a few arguments and a whole lot of worry.
However, this time was very different. I think we talked about my eating disorder on a few occasions (but it was brief). I didn’t have any big panics over not cooking for myself or not having my proper scales. I was able to have interesting and meaningful conversations and there were no tears. In fact, there was just smiles and laughing! Most importantly, there was a lot of love. And this reminded me again that your friends and family don’t stop loving and caring about you once you start to loose ed. The only difference is that there is less worrying, and that’s a good thing. So when Ed tries to tell you that an eating disorder makes you more special and more loveable, don’t believe him. It’s all lies.
Going home and being myself was so much more enjoyable than the trips home in the past when I was merely a shadow of myself. Of course I still had to take care of myself at home and stick to a food plan and of course I still occasionally found the odd food decision a bit tricky, but the difference is that these things are no longer the focal point of my life. Like everyone else, I need to eat to be healthy, but it doesn’t need to control and manage everything I do.
On that note, good night!