I read the quote above on my Dad’s blog a week or so ago and I think it marked a real turning point for me. At the moment I am in the process of applying for a job after uni. I absolutely love my degree and I am passionate about what I want to do after university. I have always worked hard with the intention of getting a good job and I can’t believe the time has finally come to start applying.
All of this thinking about the future and finding jobs has made be realise how much I have to live for, how many exciting changes will be coming up in my life, and how much more there is to life than Ed. Now when I have to complete my food plan, eat what is given to me and have dessert, I do it for my “dreams” and I do it to “thrive”. I want my body to “carry me into the future” so I can live a content and fulfilling life. I am beginning to look at recovery through a new lens- I am not completing a plan because a doctor has told me to, or to gain a few pounds, but I am doing it to “feed my dreams”. I have said before that recovery is about getting your life back and sometimes I think we all focus to much on the weight gain and put that at the forefront. Obviously getting your life back will mean you have to put the weight on- but if it means you get to be carried into the future and live your dreams surely it is worth it?
I have also been in interviews and had to talk about my strengths and what I am good at. Not one of the strengths or weaknesses I mentioned was about my eating disorder. I had better things to speak about, more meaningful things to say – the interview was for me not Ed. And it made me realise again that our most valuable traits are not the numbers on the scale.
I listened to a song on the radio this morning and the words were “In my recovery, I’m a soldier at war, I have broken down walls, I defined, I designed, My recovery”. I have chosen to redesign my recovery so that it is about more than numbers, charts and graphs, but about life, dreams and my future.