This week I went to see my therapist for the first time in a few weeks. It was so nice to be able to go with some positive things to talk about. When I had stopped rambling about what I’d been up to these past few weeks, she said “What you’re talking about is freedom“.
Unlike the past few weeks of my life, a life with Ed is a life with a million rules. His rule book is so long that you become a prisoner in your own body. Everything you do is contaminated by Ed and nothing can be done with ease.
Living with more freedom has made me realise that although I may have done “normal” things before, I never did them normally. I may have gone out for a drink with a friend, gone for lunch, or gone shopping. But I couldn’t do any of those things normally. I wouldn’t enjoy them. And there would be a lot of things to do prior, during and after each activity in order to please Ed.
What I’ve also realised is that I would never, ever let anyone treat me the way I let Ed treat me. I wouldn’t let anyone push me around, make me feel guilty, beat me, starve me, hurt me and upset me. So why did I do it to myself? Now that I am starting to take care of myself and be kind to myself, I feel so much happier. I am trying to treat myself in the same way I would treat a 5 year old version of myself. I would take care of her, love her, look after her, feed her, nourish her, let her dream, let her be happy and most importantly, let her be free.