So I am now on my way back home from uni ready for Christmas.
Today I went to see my therapist for the final time before the New Year. We were talking tactics about how to approach the Christmas break and she suggested that I try and symbolise my eating disorder and leave it behind in her office. There is no room for Ed this Christmas. He most definitely doesn’t have a seat at the dinner table, he has no present under the tree and he won’t be welcomed by anyone in our home. She gave me an array of fabrics, puppets, rocks and shells to symbolize him.
I chose the tiniest stone possible. I wanted Ed to be as small as possible. He deserves no space in the world and no space in my life. I then found a stone with a slight dip in it, put the small ‘Ed’ stone inside of it and covered it with a sharp, ugly, black rock. I then put Ed, trapped between two rocks, behind the books on my therapist’s bookshelf. Now, this might sound like I’m absolutely crazy, but the idea is that when I hear Ed this Christmas, and if he tries to ruin it, I can just think of the tiny rock, trapped between two stones, behind all the books in the darkness.
We discussed how to approach the meals and concluded that the main thing to remember is that it is Christmas and I deserve to have a good time. I deserve to participate in all the meals and enjoy the day with my family.
However, this Christmas is also going to be a little different as my Granddad is really ill and we will be visiting him. I can’t wait to see him and give him a hug and I can’t wait to see my Nan and chat to her all day long as she doesn’t get to speak to us much. For me, Christmas is more about the meal on the dinner table. Sure, it’s nice and everyone loves Christmas dinner, but this year is about family and all sticking together. If Ed appears on Christmas day I will be withdrawn, isolated and unhappy. Not only do I not want that for me, but more importantly I don’t want to be like that for my family. We all need each other this Christmas. None of us need Ed.