Today I went back to the clinic for the first time since September for a check up with my old nutritionist. It was quite strange going back. Firstly, it wasn’t the same being there without Fight Club, however I am grateful that none of us are still there. Secondly, it was a place I went to get “looked after” and so I always feel more like a child whenever I go in. However, there was something quite rewarding about going back today. I am in a much better place than I was when I went in in July and it was nice to be able to recognise the progress I have made since then.
I am now not far off my target weight. I was speaking to my nutritionist about how I don’t feel I need the next few kilo’s. I discussed the body image issues I was having and said how I am doing well now but will find it hard to put on more weight. I questioned whether it was actually needed. Luckily, she told me exactly what I needed to hear.
She said that not putting on the last few kilos to get to my target BMI is a bit like cutting out a tumour but leaving a little bit there. Sure, there is a chance that it might not grow any bigger and it might not spread. But why take the risk? The extra few kilo’s I don’t put on would probably make no difference to how I look, yet it would be enough fuel to keep Ed alive and enough power that he could use against me. There is no point in fighting 90% of the battle and giving up now.
Another thing I need to remember is that although I may want to look like I did six months ago, I most definitely do not want to feel like I did six months ago. I was unhappy, anxious, worried and scared. Now, although I may be a few kilo’s heavier, I am more happy, more relaxed and less frightened and anxious all the time. The weight gain may be difficult, but it is worth it to be happy.
Lastly, it was so nice to be able to talk to my nutritionist about my future plans. I told her about my trip to Paris in January, plans for graduation and the most recent travelling plans. Before, I was unable to plan more than a day at a time. I would spend so long preoccupied about what I had eaten for breakfast, what I was going to have for lunch, what I had eaten for lunch, what was for dinner etc that there was no time to think about anything else. Now, I am able to actually think about more meaningful things and make more exiting plans than what I am eating that day. The food is now taking a more backseat role and life is in the driving seat.