The Middle Man

For those of you who have followed my blog for quite a while, it will come as no surprise that my friend D is one of my best friends. He has supported me in my fight against Ed since my first therapy session. He has lived with Ed for six months. He has screamed at Ed. Got angry at Ed. Got upset by Ed. I know I always say that unless you have had an eating disorder, there is no way one can ever understand it. Well, D gives it a pretty good shot.

D and I lived together in Paris for six months. It was at the beginning of that six months that I began having therapy for my anorexia. At the time I didn’t even know I had anorexia; I believed I just had a few “hang ups” which were getting a little out of control. D and I were good friends before that six months, but our time together in Paris made us even closer. He saw me at my very worst totally controlled by Ed, and he saw me at my very best when I captured moments of freedom. Despite being one of the hardest six months of my life, I look back at my time in Paris with fond memories thanks to D.

D and I are now in the same student house at Uni. We are on the same course and so pretty much spend every day together… Sometimes I wonder how we still have things to say to each other. Today D said that he thinks we’re closer friends now than we ever were in Paris. I didn’t think that could even be possible. However, he pointed out that now we don’t have some Ed guy stuck in the middle of our friendship all the time.

It made me realise how much my Eating Disorder got in the way of my friendships. Ed is the middle man who get’s in the way and who no one likes. When I am controlled by Ed, I can’t give people my full attention and I am not the real me. Recovery is not only teaching me how to eat normally and exercise healthy, but it is blessing me with better relationships with my friends.

So, on the days where a target weight or a healthy BMI isn’t enough to make me complete my food plan, I am going to remember that I am fighting for more than just a target number. I am fighting for a life where there is time for proper friends, not just some creep named Ed.

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