Today I’m off to Paris for 4 days with D. We’re going back to visit friends and ‘live’ it again. Also, my Dad always said that once I got my period back and if I stuck to my recovery then he would pay for me to go.
When I left Paris last July I didn’t know if I’d be able to go back. I felt like Paris was the crime scene of my eating disorder and feared that it would be too triggering to go back. However, now that I am feeling stronger and happier than ever, I can’t wait to go back there.
I knew when I booked my ticket that I would only be able to go if I felt stronger than Ed. I knew that if I went back, and let Ed get the better of me, it could be too much and really set me back in my recovery. Today, I am happy, relieved and grateful to feel stronger than my eating disorder.
Unsurprisingly, Ed tried to make me restrict this week “in preperation” for the trip. However, D quickly pointed out that restricting was not a healthy way to prepare and not what Paris was about. So this week I have faced a number of fear foods in preparation which I am very proud of. Who knew pasta and ham & cheese sandwiches tasted so good!
We have also written a list of all the things we want to do. A lot of them are cafés and restaurants to visit. A number of them are our old regular spots and the other half are places I was too scared to go to when we lived there. It felt amazing to be able to write the list knowing that this time I will actually be able to go to the places I always wanted to go. The list doesn’t scare me this time, it’s just exciting!
I look forward to writing all about the trip on my return 🙂