Revelling In Averageness

Today I got a bad mark back for a big piece of work I did at University. I say bad, I guess it was more of an average mark, but I still find it difficult when I feel like I have let myself down. I worked hard on that piece of work and I feel like I deserve a better grade.

However, what I found more difficult that the grade itself was the thoughts I began having upon receiving it. I could hear my eating disorder telling me “don’t worry, you can still get an A* grade at loosing weight. You’re good at that. You excel at it. You’re top of the class”. I felt as though to compensate for my bad (average) grade, I should try and restrict because hey, at least that is something I do well at. It will make me feel good about myself and give me a sense of achievement.

However, upon reflection I know that restricting is not the answer. Although it is true that I am good at loosing weight and it is something I do well, it is not a good thing to excel at. I am worth a lot more than my eating disorder and I need to stop giving it any value in my life. Why do I want to be top of the class at restriction and loosing weight? That wouldn’t make me a success. Maybe in Ed’s eyes, but not in anyone else’s. I need to remind myself that loosing weight won’t get me my dream job or the key to a bright future. It will just isolate me, wear me down and stop my doing what I truly want to do. It won’t make me feel good about myself either. That is just Ed tricking me into his dark, horrible ways.

So for today I am going to try by best to revel in my averageness. Fuck it… It’s about doing MY best, not THE best

2 thoughts on “Revelling In Averageness

  1. Juniper – you are not GOOD at losing weight! You have however got GOOD at fighting ED. I know that it is easy for me to say but try not to let small disappointments trigger restriction. Think about your loving friends and family who are all supporting you in your struggle and urging you on to beat it. You are too beautiful to have to worry about your weight. Just think of your promising future. xxx

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