Today I got a bad mark back for a big piece of work I did at University. I say bad, I guess it was more of an average mark, but I still find it difficult when I feel like I have let myself down. I worked hard on that piece of work and I feel like I deserve a better grade.
However, what I found more difficult that the grade itself was the thoughts I began having upon receiving it. I could hear my eating disorder telling me “don’t worry, you can still get an A* grade at loosing weight. You’re good at that. You excel at it. You’re top of the class”. I felt as though to compensate for my bad (average) grade, I should try and restrict because hey, at least that is something I do well at. It will make me feel good about myself and give me a sense of achievement.
However, upon reflection I know that restricting is not the answer. Although it is true that I am good at loosing weight and it is something I do well, it is not a good thing to excel at. I am worth a lot more than my eating disorder and I need to stop giving it any value in my life. Why do I want to be top of the class at restriction and loosing weight? That wouldn’t make me a success. Maybe in Ed’s eyes, but not in anyone else’s. I need to remind myself that loosing weight won’t get me my dream job or the key to a bright future. It will just isolate me, wear me down and stop my doing what I truly want to do. It won’t make me feel good about myself either. That is just Ed tricking me into his dark, horrible ways.
So for today I am going to try by best to revel in my averageness. Fuck it… It’s about doing MY best, not THE best