Tonight my friend and I were planning our girls night out for valentines day. I hate valentines day, I always have. I have never been with a boy on valentines day and so for me, it is just a day to remember how single and lonely I am. Every time I walk past shop windows full off heart shaped chocolate, teddies and cards I just feel worse about myself.
After I moaned to my friend about how I think I’m destined to be alone forever, she told me I just need to have a bit more self confidence. She said I have lots of great attributes and guys do fancy me, I just need to start believing it.
I wish it were that simple. The problem is, I find it so hard to believe what she’s saying. If it was true, then why have I never had a boyfriend?
Plus, having self-confidence isn’t easy when every time I look in the mirror I just wish I could cut parts of my body off. I am forever battling with a voice telling me how much better I would be if I could drop a dress size or two. If only I could drop a few pounds then I would be so much more beautiful, so much more loveable.
I know it’s all lies. Being thin didn’t make people love me more, it just made people worry more. And being worried about isn’t a good thing. As I wrote in my divorce letter, “Being thin doesn’t make me more special… It doesn’t make me a better person and it doesn’t make me more beautiful”
I just hope that this valentines day I can start trying to love myself. Maybe then, people can start loving me back.