This week I have tried to make a deal with my Eating Disorder. I don’t want the low moods. I don’t want to feel isolated and stop going out. I don’t want to lie awake at night because I’m too hungry to sleep or because my bones digging into the bed are too painful. However, part of me wanted to be able to restrict a little bit. A part of me wanted to be able to use my eating disorder when it suited me. Not on the nights out or meals with friends, but when I was having a night in or didn’t feel too good about myself.
However, what I have learnt is that you can never just have a ‘bit’ or your eating disorder. It doesn’t work like that. You might start to think that you can handle a bit of restriction and a bit of cutting back, but such behaviour just fuels the eating disorder. It gives it power and strength and gradually, little by little, makes you weaker.
I am now very close to my target weight but this final push is proving to take longer than I thought. Part of me is clinging onto my ED. I am trying to resist the last few pounds. But what I need to remind myself is that the eating disorder is like a tumour. If I leave a little bit, there is always a risk that I could become sick again. There will always be a part of the ED that could become fierce again and take over.
Last night I was having a chat with my Dad and he asked how I was doing. I was honest and said how I’ve been listening to my Ed a bit too much recently. He reminded me that I am so close to the target and that I need to keep on fighting. His advice: Just f***ing do it!
And he’s so right. I do just need to do it. There is no easy way round, no magic cure, no way out. I just need to keep sticking to my plan and fuelling my body…. Not restricting and fuelling the eating disorder.
Last night I took his advice and when I was out for dinner I ordered a burger. I don’t want this eating disorder anymore. It doesn’t make me happy and although at times there is an illusion that it makes things better, I know it’s all lies.
There is only one way to do recovery, and that’s to just do it.