This week has been a shitty week. The guy I was going on dates with didn’t text me back. I have been worrying about the gym. I have a lot of uni work. But mostly, I am sick to death of Ed’s voice screaming in my head. I am fed up with the self-hate, the worry, the panic and the fear. I am over a year into my recovery and sometimes I begin to question how many more days I can last. My life is a whole lot easier than it was this time a year ago, but today I am resentful that the battle continues. I want to be crowned the winner. End the race. Cross the finish line. I want to be recovered.
I was looking on the internet for some inspirational quotes, something to give me a bit of hope and comfort. Nothing really jumped out apart from a quote that said “Hey You. Don’t Give Up, Ok?”. I have come too far to give up now, even though it sometimes feels like the easier option.
I am trying to take comfort in the fact that today I can say that “I want to be recovered”. Last year I was still clinging onto a bit of my eating disorder. Part of me still loved Ed and found comfort in my illness. A part of me didn’t know how to live a life without anorexia and how to be happy just as ‘me’.
However, today I want nothing more that to be rid of it. I hate it. I want to kill it. It is upsetting me, wearing me down, beating me up and I can’t take it anymore. It is so loud. I just want space and quiet to be able to think clearly, collect my thoughts and be at peace in my own body.
I know the only way I can be free from this hell is to keep on fighting. There is no other magic solution. I just need to keep fighting as hard as I can. No one ever said it would be easy, but many people say it will be worth it. Let the fight continue…