“I want to be recovered”

This week has been a shitty week. The guy I was going on dates with didn’t text me back. I have been worrying about the gym. I have a lot of uni work. But mostly, I am sick to death of Ed’s voice screaming in my head. I am fed up with the self-hate, the worry, the panic and the fear. I am over a year into my recovery and sometimes I begin to question how many more days I can last. My life is a whole lot easier than it was this time a year ago, but today I am resentful that the battle continues. I want to be crowned the winner. End the race. Cross the finish line. I want to be recovered.

I was looking on the internet for some inspirational quotes, something to give me a bit of hope and comfort. Nothing really jumped out apart from a quote that said “Hey You. Don’t Give Up, Ok?”. I have come too far to give up now, even though it sometimes feels like the easier option.

I am trying to take comfort in the fact that today I can say that “I want to be recovered”. Last year I was still clinging onto a bit of my eating disorder. Part of me still loved Ed and found comfort in my illness. A part of me didn’t know how to live a life without anorexia and how to be happy just as ‘me’.

However, today I want nothing more that to be rid of it. I hate it. I want to kill it. It is upsetting me, wearing me down, beating me up and I can’t take it anymore. It is so loud. I just want space and quiet to be able to think clearly, collect my thoughts and be at peace in my own body.

I know the only way I can be free from this hell is to keep on fighting. There is no other magic solution. I just need to keep fighting as hard as I can. No one ever said it would be easy, but many people say it will be worth it. Let the fight continue…

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2 thoughts on ““I want to be recovered”

  1. Unfortunately JB life is not perfect. Things will not always happen as and when you want them to. You should to try and learn how to adapt to and accept this. If you can learn the art of compromise, life will hopefully become easier to deal with and much more enjoyable. Keep up the fight with all of your positive thinking and attitude xxx

  2. I know how tiring all this is but the ed needs you to be, that’s how it wins. You have to be stronger than it. Every time it pushes you down just remember it’s not how quickly you get back up, just that you do. Let what you feel now be the thing that fuels you, it’s ok to be angry at the ED, but don’t let the despair you feel be the thing that keeps you standing still or giving in. Sending good thoughts x

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