Today was weigh day. My worst kind of day. As I stand on the scales I have to fight to shut out Ed’s screaming voice. He loves weigh day. It’s the perfect opportunity for him to try and get me back. Tell me the numbers are too high, that they have to be lower. He’s angry that I have let the numbers get this high. After I worked to get them so low, he tells me all the work was for nothing. That I am a quitter. A looser. A failure.
Today my weight went up. It went up a lot more than I was expecting. Normally my weight stays pretty stable or I see a little gain, and so today was uncomfortable. I am now pretty much at my target weight.
This morning after I recorded my weight I felt trapped inside my own head. Just me and Ed. The abusive thoughts in my head were getting louder by the second, my thoughts started spiraling, my mood dropped. I panicked. I really bloody panicked. I couldn’t think straight. I was by myself and I felt like I needed to cry for help. Why? Just because some shitty numbers had got bigger.
Tonight I am meant to be baking a cake, going for drinks and going out for dinner. My first thought was how could I do that now? How can I possibly go out and do those kinds of things now that the number has gone up? I am also meant to be going out clubbing this week. Well now that the numbers have got bigger I need an excuse to get out of that one. And what about dinner out with my friend on Thursday? How can I get out of that?
I am fed up of numbers controlling my life. I am worth more than numbers. There is more to life than numbers. The fact the numbers have gone up shouldn’t stop me from doing anything. Every time they go up, it means I gain my freedom. More power. More control. As my friend told me this morning, getting to target weight is a step closer to getting back the life I want. It doesn’t need to stop me doing anything. I need to remember that I wasn’t set a target weight to make me fat, ugly and disgusting. I was set a target weight to make me healthy. Make me strong. And make me normal.
Today should be a celebration. This is what I have been aiming for for the last 15 months. This was the goal. The target. All the hard work, the panic, the tears and the fight has been for days like this, when the numbers go up. This is what I signed up to when I said I wanted to recover. Today is an accomplishment and something to be proud of. The only looser today is Ed. And every time he looses, I get stronger. The only thing getting weaker is Ed.
I was listening to my fighting playlist this morning and it said ‘Live the bravest life you dare’. So tonight, I am going to go out, I am going to bake a cake and I am going to have a glass of wine. But most importantly, I am going to celebrate my achievement. I didn’t put in all this effort for nothing.