This week I have learn’t that whenever I come up against challenges in life, or am faced with disappointment, I turn to my eating disorder to make me feel better. Similarly, whenever I feel lonely I look to my eating disorder for company.
Recently, I have tried to convince myself that I can just ‘use’ my eating disorder for a couple of weeks. Nothing drastic like in the past, but just a bit until I feel better. A part of me tries to believe that my eating disorder is a coping mechanism I can turn to when things in life get difficult and I feel like I am loosing control.
However, I need to remember that there is no ‘healthy’ way to use my eating disorder. It is not a coping mechanism and it won’t make things better. And there is most definitely no ‘healthy’ way for me to loose weight. Restricting my food and trying to push the numbers on the scale further down each week won’t make my life easier. Moving further away from my target weight won’t get me a job, make me happy, and give me the life I so desperately want. It will just be a passport back to the clinic… A place which is definitely not on my bucket list.
I feel like it’s reached that time again when I need to dig deeper, pick myself up and find some strength to fight harder. This week has just been a ‘blip’, a bit of a standstill on my journey. The best thing I can do now is make sure it doesn’t turn into something bigger. I don’t want to step backwards or fall down. I don’t want to have to go through the same damn struggles time and time again. So instead of trying to overcome this weeks challenges and disappointments by turning back to by eating disorder, I am going to try and view it as an opportunity. It will be an opportunity to try and cope with life’s struggles without Ed, and do things the healthy way.