I haven’t posted in a while and I’m not sure where to start. The past two weeks have been extremely difficult, and last week was probably the worst week of this year.
As I have said before, D is my best friend. We lived in Paris together, we worked together, we live together at university and we are on the same course. For the past two years I have seen D nearly every day and we have been through a lot together. He was there through every step of my recovery, has seen the good days and the bad days, and never stopped helping me fight Ed. Now I am in a better place our lives don’t revolve so much around Ed. We hang out together, work together, laugh together… He is my best friend.
In less than two months I will have finished university. 4 years of uni education done. To say I am terrified would be an understatement. I love having a plan and for the past 17 years I have had a plan in place. School, senior school, sixth form, university… it was all figured out. I have known I have wanted to study Business Management and French since I was about 13. I had always imaged that I would graduate with a good degree and start a top job in the city somewhere. However, things don’t always go to plan.
I did some job applications, reached the final stage and didn’t get the job. I was devastated. It felt like everything I had been working towards was for nothing. However, things worked themselves out. My friend D was taking a year out to apply for jobs the following year and was going to go travelling for 6 months. My parents always tell me that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and it seemed as though they were right. Being declined from the jobs meant I would travel for six months around the world with my best friend… I was so happy. So excited. We had started planning and talking about it and I couldn’t wait.
However, again… things don’t always go to plan. A job offer has come up in Paris and D is going to take it. It means he won’t be travelling and it means he will be leaving very soon after exams. As for me, I now have no plan. It feels like I have been left alone with an empty year ahead of me. Never in a million years had I ever imagined the end of Uni to look like this.
However, the thing that has been the hardest through all these changes is the thought that D will be leaving. I feel like I am loosing my best friend and I am not ready to face the world by myself. I knew that there would come a time when our paths would go separate ways but I was never ready for it to be in eight weeks time. For the past two years I haven’t made a plan without D in it, and so I am not sure where to begin.
When I found out that D wouldn’t be here after university I cried myself to sleep for a week. I am terrified about having no plan and the the thoughts in my head started becoming a little insane. For a split second I considered turning back to my eating disorder, making myself really ill again and spending time back in the clinic. These thoughts were quickly rejected but I tried to figure out why I was having them in the first place. I think it is because, in a weird kind of way, the clinic is like a safe haven. I get cared for and looked after there. There is routine, a plan, a goal. But I know these thoughts are crazy and I don’t ever want to waste more days of my life away in a hospital.
D moving away has made me realise that I need to be able to support myself. Since I got really ill a couple of years ago, my support has been external. Through everything I have had D and my parents. I had a therapist and a nutritionist in Paris. I was in a clinic in the UK. I now have a therapist in Bath. However, the truth is, these people won’t always be here to support me. Plans change. People move. And the only person I con truly rely on 100% of the time is me. I am not saying that I can’t rely on other people at times, but ultimately, the only person who is always there for you is yourself.
I feel as though this year is going to be a challenge, but a challenge that needs facing. I need to learn to spend time with myself. Learn to love myself and take care of myself. I also feel like I need to grow up. Last year I celebrated my 21st Birthday and the week after I was admitted into an ED clinic. At a time in my life when I should have been celebrating adulthood, I was having to be tought how to eat. I was being taught how to eat toast, milk, dessert and chips…. The things you learn at the age of about 2. I needed a team of people to take care of me because I couldn’t look after myself. The relationship with my parents became extremely Adult-Child. Although I was the eldest sister and 21 years old, I was the baby of the family. The one demanding all the attention and care of her parents. I need to start behaving and being treated like an adult.
So all in all, I never imagined the end of university to look like this. I am not excited, but scared. I am not happy, but sad to be leaving D. But I am prepared to face up to the challenge. This next year is going to be a year for me. I am going to learn to connect with myself and get to know myself. I am going to try and enjoy the lack of structure and no plans and enjoy a year off to do whatever the hell I want. I am going to see the world, meet new friends and see new things. I am going to try and learn to be happy without D and learn to support myself.