Tonight I went to a charity Fashion Show. A good friend of mine was organising it and so I wanted to show my support.
It was a good event… There were lots of people, a great venue, good music, I was with my friends. However, I didn’t manage to enjoy it like everyone else. I couldn’t just look at the clothes and discuss the latest looks with my friends. The only thing I really looked at was the size and shape of every model that walked down the catwalk. By the end of the show, I had pretty much worked out the size of every girl who took part. The most painful thing about it was that I had compared myself against every single model, and even most members of the crowd.
It pains me to write this down. I sound so judgemental. But the truth is, I still find it so hard to not compare myself to skinny women and having a catwalk of them parading in front of me sent my head spinning.
The other thing I found difficult was the thought that there was no way in a million years that I would have volunteered to strut down the catwalk. The thought of wearing a short stress for the world to see filled me with dread. It upset me that I don’t have self-confidence like the models I saw this evening. I want to love my body as opposed to constantly wanting to shrink it away.
The only positive thing I can take from tonight, apart from having supported my friend, is that a part of me didn’t think the really skinny girls looked that good. Ed was doing his best to tell me that they did, tell me that they looked beautiful, happy, wonderful, sexy and attractive. But the truth is, I didn’t 100% believe him…. At least that shows some progress.