Out Of Fuel

It’s on days like this when I question why I ever listen to my eating disorder. 

This week has been a tricky week and I turned to Ed for some “support”. I thought that restricting would make things easier and more manageable. Whenever I turn to this coping mechanism, it always, without fail, let’s me down. It never, ever makes things easier. Why do I still listen and give in? I guess that is all part of the illness.

I am in my final year of University with 5 exams and 3 coursework deadlines approaching and I have been studying non-stop in the library. However, because I haven’t been fuelling my body enough, I have reached the end of the week drained of all my energy. This morning it was a struggle to get out of bed and last night I crashed at about 5pm. I need to remind myself that my body is just a machine. It needs fuel to keep working, especially when it is working this hard. If you don’t put petrol in a car, it won’t run. As a result of not giving myself enough food this week, I feel like my car’s broken down. 

I have less than two months left of University. Then that’s it, education done. I can’t afford to mess it up now. I am going to try and remember a quote that I blogged about a few months ago that said: 

“Your body is not your enemy; it is your ally. It will carry you into the future if you nourish yourself well for the journey. Your most valuable traits cannot be measured, weighed, or graphed. Your power comes from passion; feed your dreams and you will thrive”

Erica Rivera

I may not care about my health enough at the moment to want to keep eating, but I do care about my exam results, and I do care about my future. So that will have to be my motivation. Eat for exams!


One thought on “Out Of Fuel

  1. I’m not sure why there is the need to turn back to the ED and seek comfort there…maybe there is an expectation that this time it will be different, it will match up to the image that you told yourself would happen eventually. The ED though will never live up to that because it doesn’t care about you or your happiness. It isn’t your friend and it can’t ever be. It’s too cruel and you darling are worth more than that.

    I hope by caring about your education and future you will come to find it in your to care about your health. You can do this, you can keep fighting. I’m cheering you on over here x

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