Tonight I went out for dinner with a friend. It was my second meal out this week. There was an obvious safe choice on the menu but I was feeling fed up with the same bland thing. I decided to choose something a bit different.
The whole meal time sadly reminded me of the dark old days. I was sat with a soft drink while my friend had a Vodka & Coke. I found it hard to concentrate on anything but the menu while we were choosing (despite having looked it up beforehand), and when the food came holding a conversation was a real challenge with Ed in my ear. For someone with an eating disorder, trying to eat a challenging meal means there is a constant voice in your head analysing every bite, questioning whether you really need that extra mouthful and screaming every time you go for another piece. It was not enjoyable and I imagine my friend saw a change in my behaviour.
It made me question what all this is for? Why try and drop a number on a scale if it means not having fun with friends? Is it really worth it if you wake up and go to bed every day feeling miserable? I am sick and tired of wasting days thinking about f***ing calories and food. What am I trying to prove? No one is going to congratulate me when the numbers go down apart from my eating disorder. And even if they do it will never be low enough. I can’t understand why I still value that voice more than the voice of friends and family and medical professionals. What I am doing is wrong and yet I don’t seem to have the power to stop it.
I think I need to go back to basics. I must remember that challenges aren’t always fun, but they are necessary in order to recover. It may be scary but I need to face fears – FEAR: Face Everything And Recover. Tonight I feel like a failure because I didn’t have what Ed told me. But that is so wrong. Tonight is a victory because I didn’t have the safe option. I just need to hold onto small thoughts like that and try and find my own voice through the screaming, deafening sound of Ed.
All I am proving at the moment is that life is no fun with an eating disorder. It doesn’t make me happy, it just makes me weak and fragile. There is so much more to life than Ed and I need to start proving it.
Tomorrow,“I will feed myself and fight this illness, not feed this illness and fight myself”