On 2nd July 2013 I wrote the following divorce letter and me and my dear friend S both signed it. I find it helpful to read the letter whenever I feel as though Ed is beginning to win, as it is a reminder that listening to his advice will not make me happier and won’t make things easier. If anyone else wants to join my army in the fight against ED, please feel free to sign your name in a comment.
After 21 years of an abusive, upsetting, unloving and unbearable marriage, it is time to say goodbye. We’re getting divorced.
This time won’t be like our past “breaks”. No, this time it is for good. I’m 21 years old and it is time to start living.
For years you have been my answer to everything. If I felt sad, you’d restrict my food, If I was angry, you’d restrict my food, If I was insecure, you’d restrict my food. However, what I have come to learn is that restriction is NOT an answer to anything. It will NOT make things better, and it sure as hell will NOT make things easier. We’re getting divorced.
I want to start listening to my own advice and begin feeling again like every other normal human being. We’re getting a divorce.
I know longer want to talk to you first thing every morning or last thing before going to sleep. I don’t want my conversations with you to take up my whole day. There are better people to talk to like all my friends and my amazing family. There are better things to listen to when I wake up like the nature outside or a good song. All your words do is try to kill me, make me hate myself and stop me living. Yes Ed, we’re getting a divorce.
I don’t expect this will be an easy, happy or clean divorce. But day at a time I am going to keep fighting my battle against you until I win. I know you don’t love me, I know you don’t want me to be happy, I know you don’t have my best interests at heart. All you do is upset me and beat me. When I think you make me happy, I need to remember that it is just an illusion. If you really made me happy, I wouldn’t be in the mess I am in today. So face it Ed, we’re getting a divorce.
I no longer want to share everything in life with you because all you do is ruin it. You’ve ruined friendships, party’s, birthdays, Christmas’s…the list could go on. I no longer need you holding my hand and showing me the way. I can do it by myself. I know the path I need to take, and all I ask is that you let me walk that path with my head held high and don’t get in my way.
This path isn’t a path to size 0. Walking the path won’t mean that i’ll still be classified as underweight. But you know what ED, there is more to life than being thin. Being thing doesn’t make me more special like you’ve tried to tell me over the years. It doesn’t make me a better person and it doesn’t make me more beautiful.
I am ready to start down a path to life. Down this path I will get to experience feelings I’ve never felt before. I will get to participate in life. I will fill my time thinking about more than food or body weight. I will enjoy the company of true friends and my amazing family. I will get stronger, develop into a woman and return to being healthy and natural. I’ll get my period back like normal women so I can have a family of my own one day. And all these things can NOT be achieved whilst I’m married to you.
I’m worth more than anorexia. I’m worth more than you. I deserve to start living.
So Ed, I’ll say it again, we’re getting a divorce.
Lots of hate,